1 John 1:5-7, “…God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus/Yeshua, His Son, purifies us from all sin.” (NIV)
I have never been good at pretending. I wouldn’t make a good actress because you can always see what I’m feeling by looking at my face. I also can’t lie. Whenever I do, I almost always repent and fix what I said within minutes of saying it. God has blessed me with this feeling of conviction, so whenever I walk off the path, my spirit does a double-take and makes me question my motives.
With that said, this post is going to be honest and hard to write. For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling with different things — one of those being my faith. I was walking through the motions and pretending that everything was okay when deep down, my spirit was screaming at me to notice the darkness I was falling into again.
At the beginning of last year, I suffered a three-month migraine and went into thick darkness. If anyone knows about darkness, it’s me. There were moments where I contemplated doing something terrible to stop the pain. Thankfully, God intervened, and I was able to be pulled out of that darkness, returning to my usual, positive self. It wasn’t a smooth transition, but once I was back in the light, I had many new lessons under my belt.
When I came out of the hole I had dug, I made a vow that I wouldn’t allow myself to go back. That life wasn’t for me, and I would do everything to stay in the light. That said, I knew I needed to trust in God’s promises and Word to move forward.
For a while, I grew stronger and felt that the future was, in fact, possible. However, Satan hates it when we get back on track, so there have been some stumbling moments.
I recently stumbled after coming home from my last trip to America. Israel is not an easy place to live in. I honestly believe that it is the most spiritually draining and challenging place on earth. Yes, everyone faces trials worldwide, but when a believer lives in the Holy Land, there is another form of testing that we have to face.
Right after I’d returned to Israel, I felt excellent, and my faith was in a great place, but it slowly started to go downhill, and that sad part was, I allowed it to happen! I would be listening to a couple of chapters in the Bible every night, but I wouldn’t get anything from the words I was listening to. Soon enough, I was no longer praying or seeking God for help in certain situations or decisions.
Nevertheless, God knew I needed a little push to up-right me, so He put it on my heart to write to my friend Heidi, who I’d met right before I left America. We don’t talk much, but when we do, it’s either to catch up or support one another through a tough time.
In this case, I wrote to her to tell her about my struggles with not reading the Word and praying. I was nervous about being so open and honest, but her response was amazing! This is what she sent me, “Ahhh, I understand. I’ll be praying for you. You are such a sweet, fun, amazing, beautiful person with so much potential and life ahead of you. He is with you every step of the way, never-ending love. Take heart. ❤️
Sometimes I set aside time to worship with music, in a quiet place alone, I don’t know if that does anything for you, but it’s sort of a meditation for me, and my way of seeking our relationship intimately. Though I can talk to him all day, sometimes I just need someone on one with him, seeking his presence. As I said, I will be praying. You got dis, girl. 💞 You have so much to look forward to; life has big things for you. 💕
Keep pushing for change, keep on your prayers. Sometimes I had to force it and continue to pray for change and telling him what I wanted. He has always been faithful and brought me through it to something better. You just gotta push for that breakthrough; it will come!”
After reading what she wrote, I honestly had tears in my eyes and felt God’s presence for the first time in weeks! As I washed in His truth, all the worry and sadness I’d been holding onto was replaced with joy and thanksgiving. It just took a great friend to remind me of this! It’s incredible to have people in your life, even if they’re not in it regularly, who are there with encouragement and wisdom whenever you need it!
So, today, I want to encourage you all to talk to a loved one, friend, or even me, if you’re struggling with things in your life. Please don’t stay in the funk and think that it’s all right, because it’s not. You are worth so much more and aren’t called to be down in the dumps. Even if you can’t feel God’s presence, He’s there. As the body of Yeshua/Christ, we are called to build each other up and help when one of us has tripped up. I know we live in a world where there is more tearing down than building up, so how about we become the exception and take a vow to change the way we treat others so we can represent God and His Kingdom right? Who’s with me?!
