During this year’s war with Iran, my manager was called to the reserves for most of the conflict, leaving me in charge of the bookstore. I went from working part-time to full-time for over seven weeks. By week six, though, my body was screaming at me to rest. I knew I needed a break, but I was determined to make it through — proudly wanting to prove to myself that I could last the full nine weeks and not wanting to disappoint my manager by closing the store because of my health limitations. Unfortunately, or maybe thankfully, my body made the decision for me.
I fell into bed at the end of week seven and didn’t get up for over a month! At first, I thought I had merely burnt out and needed a week or so to recover. But when my symptoms grew worse, I knew this was something more. I’ve suffered from severe chronic migraines for over sixteen years, with attacks lasting anywhere from a couple of hours to three months! After years of doctor’s visits, tests, and therapies, I thought I was finally in a stable place since I hadn’t had a serious attack in over five years, but in April, I pushed my body to its limit.
During my bedridden month, I was taken to the hospital by ambulance twice. The first time, I was discharged the following day after showing slight improvement. However, when my arms and right side became partially paralyzed and my pain completely unbearable, I returned to the ER and was admitted for a week. As I lay in that hospital bed, unable to move without severe pain, I had two choices: allow the pain to envelop me or surrender to the Lord.
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” (Psalm 55:22 ESV)
Since I turned twenty, I have strived to glorify God and fulfill my calling to be His typist. Over the years, I’d heard people say we needed to be careful that our callings don’t become our identity, but I kept making the mistake of placing all my worth in my accomplishments and the words I wrote. I couldn’t comprehend how God would still love and value me if I didn’t do anything with my calling — like publishing a book — or consistently let my “yes be yes” — like keeping the store open until my manager returned. I held onto these ideals like Scripture, believing the only way to please the Father was to see things through. Yet, time and again, I’d reach a dead end or collapse from exhaustion, not understanding why the Lord would put so many roadblocks in my way when I knew I was walking on the right path and doing this work for Him.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we SHOULD walk in the calling God has placed on our lives and not become unreliable, but we mustn’t make it the foundation of our relationship with Yeshua. If we do, everything we build upon it will surely crumble when the storm comes. And that’s exactly what happened during my time in the hospital, except instead of losing everything the way I had in the past, it was all still there, waiting for me to restructure it with the right heart posture and focus. CeCe Winans said it best: “God is not impressed with your gifts; He gave them to you. I am known all over the world for my music, but I am only known by Jesus for my relationship with Him…What He desires is a heart that belongs fully to Him. It’s not about what we do for God, but whether we truly know Him and live out His will.”
“But who am I, and what is my people, that we should be able thus to offer willingly? For all things come from you, and of your own have we given you.” (1 Chronicles 29:14 ESV)
Before my hospital admission, I was so annoyed by how long it was taking to recover; all I wanted was to get back to the bookstore and keep plotting my new series. But the Lord wasn’t allowing it. I’d plead, “Lord, why are you doing this? What is the purpose of this? I’ve been walking in Your will and living for You, so why can’t I get back up?”
But there was silence.
Instead of walking away from God, though, my soul continued crying out to Him. I might not have been able to read the Word or write out my prayers the way I used to, but I could listen and speak them aloud. So, in a Jacob-like wrestle with the Father, I cried out to Him once more; but instead of bringing my agenda, I stopped fighting and surrendered: “Okay, Lord, Thy will be done.”
Within moments of releasing control, it was like a light switched on in my soul, and new revelations and understanding started flooding in from the Holy Spirit. For the first time in my life, I was looking through new eyes, completely transformed and made new in Yeshua. I might’ve given my life to Him many moons ago, but as I lay before Him with a willing heart, it was as though I was truly reborn! Sure, I’m still human and often have to remind myself of what the Lord showed me now that I’m home and back at work, but His goodness and mercies are never-ending.
“Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:5-6 ESV)
When we give our lives to the Messiah, we aren’t just inviting the One who created and died for us to dwell within us; we’re surrendering our lives to Him so that He can work in and through us! That surrender encapsulates every part of our lives, not just our quiet time in the Word. Our redeemed life begins with transformation and surrender, even if that means leaving our dreams at the door and adopting the Lord’s plans instead. Yet, today, we get so caught up in our busy schedules and responsibilities that we forget how much the Lord wants to spend time with us and be included in our days.
I think we do our fellow believers a great disservice by encouraging them to stick to the status quo (cue High School Musical) and live like the world. We were never called to “fit in” or conform to the world’s ideal lifestyle —working 9 to 5, going to college, buying a house, waiting until retirement to start living, etc. In fact, the Bible clearly tells us to flee from the things of this world: “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:1-3 NIV). So, why have we lost sight of what it looks like to be true disciples of the Messiah, fearing “lack” or discouraging anything that doesn’t resemble a “steady” lifestyle?
This is the Lord’s heart: He has called each of us to be His disciples, laying our fleshly lives down and leaving our old ways behind so we would pick up our crosses and follow Him! Is that you? Is that me? I used to think it was until I faced the possibility that I might never write or walk again. Instead of feeling terrified, though, I was filled with the Lord’s peace and joy unlike anything I’d experienced before. There I was, dependent on my parents to feed me and nurses to give me water, writhing in pain, yet my mind and spirit were at complete serenity as I surrendered to the Lord’s plans — even if it dismantled everything I’d built my life upon.
What are you holding onto? What is the foundation of your relationship with our Lord and Savior, Yeshua HaMashiach? Works? Religious practices? Obligation? Or a thirst and hunger for His righteousness?
Though I’m still in recovery and regularly struggle not to beat myself up when I don’t “do enough” in the day, I’m so grateful for this new mindset. I’m even more grateful to serve a God who graciously gives us the free will to choose our way, even when He can clearly see which way is better! My pride almost prevented me from missing out on transformation, just as Naaman almost missed out on his healing (2 Kings 5:1-14). But it’s not too late. The Lord is waiting for our invitation, and the moment we cry out to Him, He will be with us!
“Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life, for I am godly; save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all the day.
Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.
There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours. All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name. For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
O God, insolent men have risen up against me; a band of ruthless men seeks my life, and they do not set you before them. But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Turn to me and be gracious to me; give your strength to your servant, and save the son of your maidservant. Show me a sign of your favor, that those who hate me may see and be put to shame because you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.”
(Psalm 86 ESV)
